My First & Worst Mother's Day!
I met my Ex on a blind date. A blind date that was so blind that everything that I had been told about him wasn’t true.
Immediately there was one red flag, he didn’t want to meet me unless he saw a picture! I refused and said that if he didn’t want to meet me based on what he had been told about me, then I didn’t care to meet him. There had been some communication trying to set up a time for us to meet, but it wasn’t until I happened to be in the area and he heard my voice that he wanted to meet me.
We chatted and he told me that he had between 5 and 6 PM on a Sunday afternoon to meet for the first time but that it needed to be at his house. I happened to be traveling home to Long Beach from a visit with friends so I agreed to go.
As I was driving through the gate, someone was driving out – it was his afternoon date! She was just leaving.
As he tells the story, when he saw me getting out of my car, he fell in love with me! Seriously?!?!? How do you fall in love with somebody that you’ve never met? Who bases their love for another person on their appearance?? Right there that’s like five red flags!
When I got out of the car and saw him, I realized that everything I had been told was false. I was told that he was in his 30’s, had never been married, and was a great guy. There also was no mention of the fact that he had a child. I later learned that he had been married twice, and that he had been recently engaged to someone a lot smarter than me and who had broken it off!
He actually had a friend and his child there with him while we had a cocktail during that one-hour time slot and then he had to rush me out the door. He had an evening date!
Later that night he called me and continued calling me constantly the next day. He relentlessly asked when we could see each other again; however, he never had any time available and was never willing to put forth the effort to come and see me! He showered me with flowers which made this persistence seem more charming than it should have. We had literally chatted for an hour and he had his child and friend with him! I have to say that the best part of that was his friend and child. His friend is amazing and both he and his wife will be my friends forever!
I told him, “I don’t think this is going to work”, he insisted that he would make it worth my while and convinced me to drive down for dinner. Reminder I lived 2 hours away from his house! But I did anyway!
Anyway that is how our journey began, I wrote about it before but I was nearly killed in a motorcycle accident that weekend and ended up spending nine days in a hospital and another several days in the hospital for a follow-up surgery. Even though I spent more than two weeks in a hospital he only visited me one time for 45 minutes. I should have taken note of this, but I didn’t!
Fast-forward - We got engaged nine months later and were married shortly after. When I say fast forward I mean really fast! That is how narcissists work. The relationship that he had before mine ended because she saw the real him before she had gotten in too deep!
I know that it happens, but who meets someone, barely knows him or her, gets engaged, gets married, and intentionally gets pregnant, all in less than a year? Me, that’s who!
The reason why it had to happen so fast was not a push from me, that is the only way that a narcissist can get what he wants! I found out that I was pregnant shortly before Mother’s Day, I was seven weeks pregnant when I was introduced to the narcissistic abuse that I would endure regularly for the next 20 years.
As I stated, Mother’s Day was approaching, I was a mother-to-be and my ex demanded that I spend the day with he & his ex-wife. I politely said, ”no thank you” urging him to proceed without me, but he would not take “no” for an answer. That argument escalated to the point where he reminded me of, ”That little paper that he had made me sign” telling me that he wanted a divorce, that everything was his & nothing was mine and that he would be having my baby half of the time! I was blindsided.
That is the day that I started building my wall! The day that I knew that I was stuck! The day that I knew I had to do everything within my power to protect my child from him. Something that I did somehow manage to do!
You see, I met his child the very first day that we met, but I almost never saw him again until after I was pregnant. He treated his child from a previous marriage terribly! He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to him. He would berate him in front of everyone for not being good enough at a sport, a game or anything else that he might have been doing.
As a matter of fact, unless forced, he wouldn’t even attend any of his games because he was too embarrassed to be there. If he had no choice he would generally spend the entire time on the phone, complaining about how horrible his child was. There was an incident one time where he had to take him on a construction jobsite with him and his son had bumped into a wet wall with white paint. He didn’t realize what he had done and it wasn’t until he got out of the car after they got home, that my ex noticed the paint on the seat. I seriously thought he was going to kill him! It wasn’t his fault, he was just a child! I will elaborate about that abuse at a later time. I knew from that day on, that I was never going to let my ex do to my child what he had done to his first child from his previous marriage. It was a horrible feeling!
Being pregnant was the greatest blessing in my life, but had I not been pregnant, I would have left and never returned. That is how a narcissist works, they always wait until they have you trapped before you see them for who they are. That is why everything big had to happen in such a hurry!
That threat was a threat that he used to try and control me for the next 20 years. I told him that his behavior was as bad or worse than any physical abuse. I told him the only difference was I didn’t have any bruises! That was YET! Those threats and that abuse continued regularly!
Throughout the years, therapists, our pastor, our friends, all told him that he needed to tear up that documentation and stop hanging it over my head. He always had one foot out the door and had zero ability to control his anger or temper. That is unless we were in public or around other people! In those situations, he would wait until he got me alone and then he would unleash his wrath, I always knew when it was coming!
As I have previously stated, life with a narcissist can be a roller coaster ride. Mine absolutely was! There were times when it did get better for a short while, during those times he would often ask, “why is it better?” my answer was always absolute and the same, he was controlling himself and being nice!
When you live with a narcissist you are always walking on eggshells. There is no reprieve and even when you think that maybe he’s changed, that monster will show back up again to bite you!
The Narcissist may go to a therapist, but fundamentally doesn’t believe that anything is wrong with them. They love to hear themselves talk and they are capable of manipulating the therapy sessions and sometimes the therapist into thinking that they’re the victim.
Never think that you can change someone. DO NOT ignore the signs, whatever you are getting out of the relationship, it does have strings attached and it is NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!
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