- Nov 1, 2019
With the clarity that only comes from hindsight I see the small acts of rebellion that I undertook – even if they went undetected by my husband – to somehow still feel connected to myself and my history. In the actual day to day I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, I was a busy mother to 3 young children. I didn’t examine my situation all that carefully, I adapted and adjusted as one by one I was isolated from any of my family and friends that my husband deemed negative or not up to his high standards. It didn’t happen overnight, it was over almost 10 years and by the end I bore almost no resemblance to the person I had been. I had contorted myself into the person I thought my husband wanted me to be. A person who didn’t have room in her life for close friends, for her own family, or for her own needs.
Making the perfect "Pumpkin Pie" isn’t something that many people think about. It is a dessert that many people skip on their Thanksgiving feast. Having been cut off from my family for many years, and as my grandmother had recently passed away, I decided to spend this year carefully recreating her favorite holiday dessert. My grandmother was an amazing cook but not a big fan of writing down her recipes. I consider myself fortunate that I spent many years asking her to write down my childhood favorites. My goal was to make a pumpkin pie that grandma would have loved and to keep it as true to her recipe as I could – seasoning from memory. After several trials I did it. I had never managed her skill with homemade crust so I settled for the Pillsbury ready-made kind and baked my pies. Every year I would make pies for my closest friends; I would even make them for my in-laws. As they got older, I would encourage my kids to help with the baking; in this way I felt that they were somehow sharing some part of my family traditions.
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- Sep 20, 2019
Part 1:
I think that dating is difficult at any age, for either sex, but being a single woman at 50 is that much more difficult. Being single for the first time in more than 20 years is extremely awkward to say the least.
I think that my take on all of this is different than most, I waited a really long time, choosing to focus on raising my amazing kids before I even thought about what my life might be missing. I waited more than 4 years before I even went out in a setting that was really even social. My friends pushed, but I really wasn’t interested.
My first time out was strange, I really felt when I walked in to that room full of people that everyone was staring at me - they probably were because I looked so uncomfortable. I was and still am different than most of the others including both men & women that are in these settings.
I always said that there was no way I would ever be that girl on the prowl and I never will be. I never wanted to go out with only one or 2 friends standing on the outside of the room scanning the room for a potential whatever as there is a lot of that going on and it really is pathetic and desperate. I am lucky enough to proudly say that I was able to avoid that.
I actually have an amazing small group of women that are not only interesting and funny, they are intelligent and confident, able to sit at a table engrossed in a conversation oblivious to all that is going on around us. I think we are the exception, not the rule.
Secondly, on that first night out, we were fortunate enough to run in to a male friend that I have known for nearly twenty years. He immediately made us feel so comfortable, introducing us to all of his friends who welcomed us in to their “friend” group.
I need to genuinely express how grateful I am to all of the “friend” group for welcoming us and have to say that the rest of my story really isn’t about any of them. They are really the proof that having a non-judging group of friends is healthy and necessary! I am so thankful for my friends, old and new!
I feel a little bit like I am a character from the sit-com “Friends” (of course an older version) and I kind of like it. Now we are invited everywhere, not as objects or with an ulterior motive, but truly because we are friends and part of the group. It really is fun and a pleasure to hang out with all of them.
There was one small hiccup to the first night, so I have to mention it:
That very first night of being out, I had an interesting conversation with one of the guys. In a nutshell, he asked me, “Don’t you have the desire to just “HOOK-UP” for the night with someone?” I don't even know what that means, BUT I didn’t even have to think about it for a second - absolutely NOT! I was mortified and although I really am unclear of what that means, I think it really might be a thing that a lot of people are doing!
To each his own as they say, but I am going to judge a little and maybe wrongly so... I think that you have only one reputation no matter how old you are - this includes men and women, but I am speaking mainly for women! I also think that a first impression is a lasting impression and I guess that may make me prudish or uptight, but I really do know within a minute if I like someone or not - even as a friend!
I am different and always have been, I am the one who almost always stays sober, not entirely because I always want to be in control, but because I genuinely don’t need to have alcohol to make me feel comfortable. My friends might argue that am a lot more fun when I am drunk, but I beg to differ!
If I could describe myself in one word, I would say that I am a little bit “Invisible”, some people might call it unapproachable, but I am pretty sure that I do go unnoticed and am easily forgotten!
I really like being the one observing, so I am OK with that, I am not lacking confidence and will talk with many people throughout the night, some interesting and some not, but I do judge people and really feel like I am a good judge of character.
So what is the point? Well, my initial take on all of this is that we are all in the same boat. I don't think that you should ever try and be something that you are not. There really are just as many guys out there with questionable confidence as there are women and there are just as many men re-learning how to do this as there are women. One thing I know is that we are all equally awkward. I guess that you have to start somewhere and as I said, being out with my "friend" group has made this next chapter actually fun and I am truly grateful!
Having been out and about for a little while, one thing has not changed. I still feel like I am different than everyone else in the places we go. I am still the observer and by choice I am still alone. Hopefully someday I will feel differently and perhaps I will eventually be leaving with someone, someone worthy, someone that I really like, someone who is charming and funny, someone who likes that I am different and wants to leave to have a deeper conversation, but never for just a sleepover.
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- Sep 6, 2019
Everyone talks about how difficult it is to take your child to college, move them in to a dorm and then make the long drive or flight home alone. For me, that was all fairly easy and relatively painless. This year I moved my baby (and third child) into her dorm in record time and remarked to a friend that I now had it down to such a science that I should write a book about it. (The key is organization and labeling.) I spent a good amount of time with my daughter and headed home, relaxed and proud. It wasn’t until this week that I really had a hard time. Don’t get me wrong; I missed her but in a somewhat perfunctory way. I wished she were home to walk the dog (or conversely to clean up after the dog) or to help me with something around the house.
At the one-month mark I began to take inventory of what I was really missing. My youngest child has long been a mystery to me – ardently social and outgoing; she floats along happily in a sea of friends and activities. She played a varsity sport, participated in orchestra and maintained an “A” average throughout high school. In many respects she is the polar opposite of me as a teenager. In spite of this difference, she was always an exuberant whirlwind in my life. No matter what time she would get home at night, whether from practice, a party or her job – she would always bounce into whatever room I was in and proceed to tell me all about her day.
Some days, there wasn’t a lot to report but with her humorous take on things she managed to make it entertaining nonetheless. Other days the conversations would be deeper and more complex and showed me the strong young woman she was becoming. I was her sounding board for everything – when friends went through breakups, should she do this or that? When a lifelong friend lost her grandfather, we baked brownies so she could deliver them the same night along with a hand made and heartfelt card. Occasionally there would be quieter nights spent watching a quick show or playing a video game, but we were always together.
To be fair, some of these nights turned into arguments as my rules were too strict or I didn’t see her perspective properly or in any one of a million ways wasn’t measuring up to her idea of who I should be. We were loud, we yelled, we cried but we always ended with hugs and love.
Now my nights are tranquil and quiet, no sudden bursts of laughter or conversation. I am able to read a book undisturbed, to watch a TV show uninterrupted. My baby girl snapchats me multiple times a day, and we text in between. She calls me whenever she can, and I’m thrilled she is settled in and enjoying college. My heart soars when she talks about how much she likes her classes, potential internships and how sure she is about her career choice. This is every mother’s goal, to raise independent, critically thinking and capable children.
I just wish I could have had one more noisy night with my girl, hearing all about a lot of things I don’t need to know…just to hear her voice and her laugh. She will be home in a few weeks for Thanksgiving and I intend to soak up as much of her time as I can – it won’t be much, she already has plans with a half dozen friends, but I’ll do my best to store up those sounds to help me through the long silent time until winter break.
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