- Oct 18, 2018
I remember thinking that the pumpkin had to be carved just right – my vision was that it would be perfect and therefore everything else would be ok. I labored over the template for hours, making tiny cuts into the flesh of the pumpkin, doing my best to make sure it was an exact match. The more I focused on this project, the less I could think about the last few months. The bruises on my neck had faded; it no longer hurt to turn my head. My children were happy. These were the things I needed to focus on. I could hear him moving inside the house and braced myself, knowing that while this attack wouldn’t be physical it would be just as difficult to withstand. “What kind of idiot can’t even carve a pumpkin without directions?” I sighed, careful not to be too loud and in my head thought “This kind of idiot obviously.” I turned to face him, this contorted and angry man, the father of my children…my husband.
In my extreme focus on the pumpkin – honestly, had any one pumpkin ever been subjected to such critical scrutiny? I snapped off the end of a paring knife…. a $200 knife that we had recently purchased. If he were to see the damaged cutlery, it would set off an entire new cascade of angry recriminations and odds are, one of the kids would have heard his meltdown. Thinking fast, I shoved the broken knife into the pumpkin and tossed the piece that had broken off into the bushes. What followed was a tirade of epic proportions. My ability to function as an adult, my parenting skills and of course my qualifications as a wife were called into question and I was berated for about half an hour as I continued my pumpkin project.
Every year on Halloween I was drawn to more and more involved pumpkin carving projects until the year that I realized that my marriage was over. I wish that I could say that this was within a year or so of the day I broke the knife, but it was well over a decade later when I would finally find my voice and my confidence again. Looking back over the pictures of past Halloweens, it’s easy to see the focus I put into my pumpkin projects, and it would become a tradition that my children and I enjoyed together. This is the silver lining of living in an awful marriage; I put all of my energy and attention into my children. For them, those early Halloweens are happy memories filled with candy, costumes, pumpkins and fun. Now that the kids are mostly grown and haven’t trick-or-treated in years, but I still remember those early Halloween adventures whenever we see a particularly cute pumpkin.
Now, I’m almost seven years free of that toxic relationship and haven’t carved a pumpkin in even longer. I recovered my self-confidence, realized that I’m not actually a complete failure at everything, and have built my children and myself a happy life. As a reminder of how far I’ve come, I still have the broken knife.
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- Oct 12, 2018
Family means the world to me, and I learned that from my mom. Growing up in the south, almost every holiday involved food in some way. We sat down for dinner almost every night, whether it was fancy and complicated, or a simple meal. My mom was an amazing cook, unfortunately not something that I inherited:( Much of what she made was either too difficult or too messy for me to ever attempt! Simply put, if it had more than a handful of ingredients, I was out. I have collected and perfected some of her simpler recipes and I am sure she would be proud even though they are basic… having two kids and going in a million directions, I wouldn’t have time for anything more complicated anyway. One bonus, minus the Fritos and Saltines, this is gluten-free! This chili is one of my favorites that we would often have on Halloween so we could get out of the house fast and on to trick or treating or the night before Thanksgiving to keep things easy as we prepared for Thanksgiving Day!
My Mom’s Favorite Chili
4- servings
Ingredients:
1-pound ground beef or more, if desired
2 15 oz. cans chili beans in sauce
One large can/jar tomato juice (more if you prefer a thinner consistency)
Chili powder (Start with 1 ½ tablespoons and season to taste)
Salt
Pepper
Cayenne pepper (if desired)
Optional Toppings:
Shredded cheddar cheese
Sour cream
Chopped green onions
Cilantro
Fritos or Saltine crackers
*You can sauté ¼ cup diced onion with the ground beef, if desired (I love it but my kids don’t!)
Directions:
1. Brown ground beef over medium heat in a large stockpot
2. Season ground beef with chili powder, salt and pepper to taste
3. Drain any excess fat leaving at least a tablespoon in the pot
4. Add the two cans of chili beans and tomato juice
5. Stir to mix, cover and let simmer covered for about 15 minutes over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally
6. Taste, adding additional seasoning if needed
7. Add cayenne pepper in small amounts, to taste, if desired
8. Serve with optional toppings and either Fritos or Saltine Crackers
9. Enjoy!
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While you’re living with a partner who abuses you, be it verbally or physically – it becomes a daily challenge to rise above their behavior and to function in life. As a mother this challenge is sometimes beyond difficult. The instinct to protect and preserve your child’s happiness is as strong as any a mother has. So it was the year that my best mom friend and I decided we wanted to take our kids to a pumpkin patch. As women of means, living in beautiful coastal Southern California, there was no shortage of pop-up pumpkin vendors for us to choose from. None of the tented, carnival type venues were up to our standards. My friend being the more on top of it mom, started surfing the internet to find our perfect location. Before long we had selected the perfect spot for our excursion. We took the kids out to a working ranch, took a hay ride, got lost in the maze, took pictures with a scarecrow, and of course, got lots of “perfect” pumpkin patch photos of our offspring. The absurdity of being so focused on finding the ideal fall location for a group of preschoolers to see pumpkins is not lost on me now. A better step would have been seeking help or counseling or doing something to get myself out of my situation. In self-help books and blogs, it always sounds so easy and effortless. In reality it is neither.
A good first step would have been to tell my friend how difficult my life was. Our kids were together almost every day, we carpooled, we lunched and we lived around the corner from one another. I had ample opportunities to confide in her – what stopped me? Embarrassment? It felt wrong somehow to admit to anyone how bad things were. Imagine my surprise to learn many years later that we were living parallel lives in more ways than I thought.
Our secret lives were dark and desperate but our public ones seemed ideal. It’s astonishing to realize that we knew each other for so long and yet knew so little about each other.
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